I fear rejection. No doubt about it. Even worse, I crave acceptance. This combination of fear and craving means I regularly go out into the world in search of love and adoration knowing that I am also putting myself in real danger of being left out, ignored, sneered at, and even insulted.
I sit here and wonder why I would risk my heart being trampled for a little sample size portion of acceptance. This sort of small and short-term acceptance rarely leads to anything significant. It comes and goes. It does not deliver sledgehammer smacks to the pleasure centers inside my brain. It is at best a reminder to me that I am worthy enough to be positively noticed by others. Maybe it means I am special enough to stand out to a stranger.
But then the rejection, if it comes, doubles me over. I allow the negative reactions of a stranger or a group of strangers to alter my definition of self. I enter into a shame-fest. I wonder how I have suddenly become so charmless. I self-medicate with extra drinks and get on social media pleading for some form of written reminders of my worth. I die for a while.
I become a really good Smiths song.
And I do it to myself.
I wonder why?
New from Jock and Lola Publishing and me – The Marriage Killers – Click on that link and be hypnotized by sarcastic wisdom from one of the biggest marriage killers on the planet -
Here are 39 bits of good advice for those of you who are engaged, inside of marriage or even thinking about marriage – This is not your typical book with boring tips – This is the book that you need if you like to laugh and learn at the same time. It stands on the premise that “a marriage can drown in the shallow just as easily as it can drown in the deep.”
Go check it out and let me know what you think -
Jock and Lola is the indie press for all weirdly brilliant!!!
check us out at jockandlola.com
Somebody please help this guy – He has a disease called “Cannot Sell a Million Books-itis” and it is super deadly…Just look at his fake smile and hipster hat/glasses (those are just the beginning symptoms of “trying too hard to be cool”) Stop the infection – Get him out of his skinny jeans and hipsterism – Bring him back to pleated khakis – Follow this link and donate to his cause – Buy his book – Share his condition with all of your friends – Beg them all to form a human chain of selfless love – If not, doctors only give him six weeks to live before he becomes Sasquatch!!!
Thou Shalt Not:
Become the influential, caring listener for a wounded person of the opposite sex or counsel a person of the opposite sex about their marriage problems.
So many extra-marital affairs begin in a fairly innocent manner with one nice person acting as the compassionate, listening ear for a married person who “needs” to share about their life struggles and/or marriage disappointments.
Don’t be that nice person.
Don’t be that compassionate, listening ear.
Sure, the wounded and/or disappointed married person in front of you might have some very real hurts, a super sad backstory and even legitimate complaints about their wife/husband. And if so, they actually do need to talk to someone. But unless you are a professional therapist who has been trained to set up proper client boundaries, understands how to maintain emotional distance and is being paid by this married person of the opposite sex to counsel them towards better understanding and direction, you are a terrible choice.
Even if you have been told that you are extremely gifted in advising others, that you are the best listener in town, you are madly in love with your own spouse, are not attracted to the other person and hate the very idea of cheating/adultery, you should extricate thyself from the potential dangers of an unpredictable situation where emotions and private relational details are at the foundation of a very familiar deconstruction.
I’m issuing the strongest warning I can here: Do not think you are the exception to the rules of engagement in this situation.
DIS-ENGAGE in 5-4-3-2-1…
Wounded, troubled and “unloved” people have a tendency to cling to someone who shows them real empathy and care. And while you may not fall for them, feel any attraction to them or even choke a little bit in what you do or say to them, you cannot guarantee that this other person’s interpretation of your caring, listening and advising will be correct. When someone is in a difficult mental and emotional situation, they are often feeling especially insecure and seeking another person who will make them feel better about themselves.
Do not be their insecurity-cure and they will neither tell their spouses about how they wish they had someone more like you nor will they become a stalker who fantasizes about you becoming their huggy-bear and security blanket.
You will also keep yourself from thinking of this other person as a temporary option if and when your own marriage picks up some “killer hitchhikers.”
I have had my own stalker before because I am nice and caring (and dashingly humble). And I can assure you, while it seemed cool at the initial stages to have someone show fresh interest in me, offer me compliments and present me the open invitation to their body-party, it goes past happy-groupie time fairly fast and heads toward Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction if you do not off-ramp it immediately.
Keep those persons far away from you and your marriage or face what can become an addictive decay.
Do you hear me?
Will you obey my instructions or play with the fire?
If you are a relational-pyro, just know that this deep burn will be as painful as ten Roman Candles shot into your buttocks while habanero peppers are jammed into your eyeballs. (That’s meant to be a deterrent by the way – not an encouragement for you kink-yos among my readership.)
For the next few months, I am going to be promoting my relationship books (published by Jock and Lola Press) by showcasing some Marriage Killers. Basically, the serious Thou Shalt Nots every spouse should avoid if they want to keep a solid relationship.
Thou Shalt Not: Say the following things to your spouse:
–I forbid you to __________
–I knew I should have married ______________
–I wish you were more like _______________
–I make all of the money and you should be thankful I give you an allowance
–You are very pear-shaped
–I’ve never really loved you
–I’m not in love with you anymore
–You are my biggest mistake/You are my biggest regret
–I wish you would die/I poisoned the Frosted Flakes you just ate
–I hate you
–Don’t touch me ever again
–I hope our kids are nothing like you/look nothing like you
–You bore me
–I trust my mother’s/father’s opinion more than yours
–I think you are stupid/worthless/a waste of space
–Act your age/You are so immature/You are such a baby
–Your parents made a serious mess of you
–I really despise your parents in every way
–Does your PMS ever end? (Has been used “effectively” for both sexes)
–I do not recall you having such huge birthing hips (Again, has been used “effectively” or both sexes)
–I faked it every time (“Effective” but harder to prove for one of the sexes)
–Your head/teeth are way too big for your body
–I might have Chlamydia
–It didn’t mean anything. It was purely physical
–Whenever you die, I will probably marry again fairly soon
–I’m wearing your panties
I really hope you will give me feedback on this stuff – I am the dumbest and worst husband on the planet, so I think I have a handle on what not to do – but if you have more stupid stuff to add, maybe I will use it in a future book…
You can tell a whole lot about a person by the way they hug you.
One thing I notice about women who really like me is that they hug me with their whole bodies. It is nice.
They do not pull the restrained upper body hug where our breasts barely touch one another and a foot and a half remains between our feet so that there is no possible way our clothed private parts might brush against each other. (Those sorts of hugs come from people who think that if their clothed private part touches my clothed private part, we have had some sort of carnal moment. Or maybe they were once squeezed by an anaconda dressed up as a human at Halloween and cannot dare to allow themselves to relive such an experience.)
I don’t know which it is for sure – but it is damn annoying. If you are going to hug me, put your entire body into it. I promise that my private parts will not think to cross the blue jeans/skirt barrier at some later date. And I am not going to think you want to cheat on your husband if you allow your breasts to crush into my sternum.
Hugs are meant to say the big F-You to personal space rules and let the other person know you are willing to be uncomfortable inside their arms.
I love good huggers. They don’t make me feel like I am half accepted and half-rejected at the same time. A good hugger hugged me the other day and I still think about how much I appreciate it. They did not give a crap what I thought about their full-on grab of my spine and they were not trying to pull away from me in 1.1 seconds. It was a five second “heart beating on heart” hug. Standing bodies with no space between them. It felt like friendship and love and fearlessness.
To those who suck at hugging by doing the BS top torso grabs, you need to know that you are actually putting yourself in greater danger than if you go all the way in. You give me space, I can kick you in the shin. I can slide my arms up and chloroform you and throw you into my Prius. I can probably jump up, wrap my legs around your buttocks and roll you into some really embarrassing Hulk Hogan move.
What’s your freaking problem people?
I’d rather someone approach me, remove my glasses and slap the holy hell out of my cheek than sucker-hug me. At least it means something and makes me feel.
Last things last: If you are a side hugger, you are my sworn enemy. I think Judas Iscariot actually betrayed Jesus with a side hug because it is so vile, impersonal, limited and Luciferian. When someone side hugs me, I usually trip them so they fall backwards and then I proceed to lie on top of them for 6 to 7 minutes so they know better than to try that method again.
Okay – Summary: Become a better hugger. Practice on a big pillow rather than on a door frame and people will love to see you coming. We all need more touch in this world and a fist bump is about as good as a nuclear explosion happening in my neighborhood.
One exception: If a guy who is wearing sweatpants but obviously no underwear approaches you for a hug, you are allowed to judo-chop his tree-limb like appendage and yell: “No hugs for you.”
That’s the relationship advice for today.
Any words of commentary, sage readers?